Elena Petrova: 
Open Letter In Prevention Of Escalation Of Abuse Against Mail Order Brides

14 August 2003

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN,

I am a Russian woman, married for 5 years to a western man, and for 4 years running an informational site about Russian Brides.
So I have gone through this process myself, and learned much more since I started my website. There are too many myths about mail order brides that are flying around. The infamous movie "The Birthday Girl" is the perfect example.

It is fiction that Russian women only seek a better life or passports; as well it is fiction that they are submissive. They are well educated, intelligent and smart. About 90% of women signing up with agencies have a college or university degree, many are high-class professionals. Go to any Russian Brides website and see for yourself.

Regarding Russian women only wanting to escape to the west, think about a better place in the world where you would like to live. Would you spend 1-2 years on correspondence and waiting for your visa, then 2 years to receive the permanent residence, living with somebody you did not like? Cannot think about such a place that would stimulate you to go those lengths? What about marrying somebody and living with them for a few years, to secure your ticket to Heaven, after you die? Would you, personally, do it?

If you would not marry somebody you did not like to get to Heaven, please do not think other people in this world would do the same to just get into your country. It is pretty egocentric to think this way.

Those women who are looking for foreign husbands seek love and respect in their marriages, how unbelievable in might sound to you. Many have advanced careers in Russia and live well even according to the western standards.

If you think that Eastern European women only seek immigration, look at Bulgaria: Bulgarian women can freely travel inside the European Union, without visas, and they still look for foreign husbands.

Foreign men DO have a much better attitude towards marriage and family (I personally had a chance to compare), and are not as chauvinistic as local men in male dominating countries. This is the main reason why women look abroad. They just like foreign men! Foreigners are perceived as gentlemen. Immigration is NOT the main purpose of those women. Offer them a Green Card, and most will decline - what she is going to do in a strange country, without family, friends, and any other support structures? I suggested to one woman, who only wanted an American man, to enter the Green Card Lottery; she said "What for? I want a husband, not the country!"

There are (of course!) some stupid immoral individuals; this is why prisons and criminals exist in any country. This is not the reason to make assumptions basing on a few extreme cases of abuse that took place in mail order bride marriages. There are NO figures proving that domestic abuse is higher in mail order bride's marriages than on average in the USA (and USA domestic violence is on the rise). I personally know dozens Russian women married to foreign men but I do not know any woman who was abused in her marriage. For 4 years that our website is online, we had only 2 letters from women who said they were abused in their marriages.

I think it is necessary to make a proper research comparing the level of abuse in domestic and mail order bride marriages, before drawing any conclusions. So far it is assumed mail order bride marriages should have more abuse. Since I do not have enough statistics to validate those assumptions, and I know very well how true are other assumptions regarding mail order brides, I prefer to abstain from stating any opinion on the subject.

In fact, mail order bride agencies are the only places that at least tell the women and the men about the procedure of international marriage and the customs and traditions of another country. In fact, the USA matchmaking organizations are the only entities that currently inform every woman that subscribes to their services about her rights in case of domestic abuse, because they are obliged to do so by the legislation accepted in early 1990th.

Contemporary mail order bride services promote direct contacts between men and women, and in reality are not much different from general dating sites. It is probably only 1 or 2 agencies that still distribute printed catalogs with photos. All agencies accept data through the Internet, approve them, and publish online in no time. Men and women mostly use email in their communication, as well as ICQ, online messengers, video chat, SMS, phone, and what not - pretty much in the same fashion as people that use general dating sites. Why those women prefer international matchmakers? Firstly, to separate seekers of online adventures from marriage minded individuals, and secondly, because international matchmakers do not charge the women.

It is absurd to say that international matchmakers "sell" women, or that because it is men who pay for services, women are treated as "products". Any general dating site will allow you to place a free profile, and it does not mean you become a "product" if you did not pay. The women who join international matchmaking services do it out of their free will, and should be respected as such.

Nevertheless, I do not discount the problem of abuse in international marriages.
There is a possibility of such abuse in any marriage, and if there is a way to prevent it, it should be done.

Yes, foreign brides DO need to know about their rights when they move to a new country - and this is what the USA Embassy, and the Embassies of other countries should provide for them, when issuing their visas. Design a quality brochure with the information on the procedures of immigration and naturalization, jobs, schooling and financial systems, the American law, their rights and the phone numbers of 'women against abuse' organizations. Send them this brochure with their fiancee visa package of documents, so they have time to study it carefully. This will solve most of the problems!

Adding compulsory background checks for all fiancee visa sponsors, performed by an official organizations that is fit for this important purpose, and providing the results of those checks to their overseas fiancees, with the same informational package, will add to this solution.

Knowing their rights, the women will be able to stand for themselves. They are not stupid. If you think they are, it is a pure example of national discrimination.

Now, what the proposed Bill suggests?

According to the pending Bill, a matchmaking company should obtain a background check on every man desiring to use its services, translate it to the native language of the woman, and then present it to her for approval before allowing any contact between the man and the woman. Such a process can take a few days, or even weeks. Why would anyone be willing to wait this long if he can use a non-American website and receive instant contacts? This simply does not make sense. The costs of running such investigations will also urge the USA agencies to raise their prices, or instantly go bankrupt. Will USA men be willing to pay much more for the services of USA matchmaking organizations than for the services of offshore matchmakers? I doubt it. 

The results:

If the proposed Bill is accepted in its current edition, the USA matchmaking organizations, which I consider as the most open and honest in the industry, will be effectively forced out of business. So there will be nobody to enforce the proposed legislation upon. All international matchmaking organizations in the USA will close down, unable to attract clients.

The figures of habitually quoted INS study dated 1997 that indicate the number of the international matchmaking organizations in the USA as 200 seem outdated. According to my estimations, there are at least 1000 international matchmaking organizations operating in the USA, but the Former Soviet Union alone has 10,000 to 20,000 local marriage agencies. The competition in the international matchmaking industry is tough. General dating sites have thousands profiles of foreign women in their databases, and no one can prevent a violent or abusive man from using a large Internet personals website or a website of an offshore mail order bride agency to initiate contacts with foreign women. Those sites are not obliged to request background checks from their clients.

Owners of the USA matchmaking agencies that I talked to about the Bill, all welcome and support the need for legislation, where women will be enabled to learn criminal background of men that are courting them. This is an important and much needed measure. But the proposed logistics of the process do not seem to fit the purpose.

Without declining the proposed Bill, a different procedure can be designed, with a more sensible logistics, where a woman is INFORMED about her right to request a background check from any man she is in contact with, at the moment when she subscribes to an international matchmaking organization. When she thinks she needs this information, anytime, she can request it. Also, such information should be provided as compulsory for EVERY woman who files for a fiancee visa, and not only to the clients of matchmaking organizations, by the official immigration agency (BSIS, former INS), together with the informational package they receive from the USA Embassy with her fiancee visa documentation.

Otherwise, violent men will still find ways to get brides. The problem is not the matchmaking organizations; the problem is violent men.

The way I suggest seem to still be able to successfully tackle this problem, without destroying the legitimate international matchmaking organizations.

I personally wrote to Sen. Maria Cantwell and Rep. Rick Larsen, but probably because I am not in the USA (I live in Australia), I never received a response. I have sent two letters to both of them. No answers or even an acknowledgment, to date.

So if you are in the USA, I urge you to contact your Senator and request him or her to alter the proposed procedure of the Bill on the international matchmaking organizations, so the legitimate USA matchmaking organizations are not forced out of business, opening the possibilities for more abuse in mail order bride marriages.

It would be terrible if the crucial regulation like this were ruined by poor logistics. I hope the Congress of the USA will make the correct decision regarding the procedure of background checks on men seeking foreign partners.

Sincerely
Elena Petrova
RUSSIAN BRIDES CYBER GUIDE
http://www.womenrussia.com

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