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Thanks for this sight! You saved me over $1500. With out this sight I would have most likely have sent then money because as my friend said I could not have adored not to, She was that good. Thanks! Anthony
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Black List -
page 247: UPDATES
June
20, 2004 - page 2
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Maria Nizovtseva (Kriov, Russia) I am a young man who is relatively new in his pursuit to find romance overseas. I have never been married, have no children, and am 34 years old. Throughout the process of corresponding with people overseas, I have kept a very open mind about meeting someone in this way. Letters: Dear, My name Masha. I the attractive young girl. It has not been married. Children I have no. I work as the teacher in high school. I was very much interested with your questionnaire on a site of acquaintances. Please write to me and speak little bit more about itself. I shall necessarily write back and I shall send the photos! My e-mail: masha15@mail15.com. I wait for the letter as it is possible soon! Kiss! Masha. Greetings. I am very glad, that you have answered my letter. I live in Russia, the city of Kirov. I work as the teacher at school. My data: Age - 27 of years (mine birthday on April, 12), Growth - 173 sm, Weight - 57 kq. It has not been married, children are not present. Excuse, that so has a little written about itself. Today I am very much borrowed. Tomorrow I shall write more about myself. I shall wait your letter and photos. Kiss, Masha Godd morning dear! At me now time of a dinner. At you now morning or not? I am now very much borrowed on the work. I to work at school 5 years. I to teach mathematics. Now at my pupils examinations. Then they will have vacation, and I will have a holiday of the whole 2 months. I shall try to write to you every day as at school we have a computer and Internet. My parents live far from me. I was born and have grown in city Samara. In the same place I have finished pedagogical university. After the termination of university I have moved to other city in which now to live. My city Kirov is located to the north from the Volga region Russia. Now at us good weather, but during the winter period of time weather cold and is a lot of snow. I do not know, that to you still to speak about myself. It is interesting to me to know about you everything as you have very much liked me also I to want to communicate with you and probably greater... Please answer me some questions if you have a free time. OK? 1) What type of women is pleasant to you? 2) Your favourite foodstuffs? 3) That for you it is more important: (if the woman well is in charge of housekeeping and is tasty prepares I peep or if she earns much?) 4) Your attitude to religion and as far as you are religious? 5) Your harmful habits if they at you are available? 6) What it is important for you in attitudes between the man and the woman? 7) What you most of all to not love in a life? I think, that you to answer me as it is possible sincerely. I shall be always glad to learn about you more and more information in each your letter. Write do not hesitate. You to me are really very nice!!! I shall go now for work in school. I hope for your prompt reply! Yours faithfully. Masha. Hi my Dear, How are you? I am glad to write to you again. I do not know, that happened, but on a post server of a problem. I cannot receive your mail. It is a bad post server. I have created other electronic box. Please write to me on my new e-mail (masha15@bk.ru). Today awful weather. In the street there is a strong rain and the wind blows. Most likely, that such weather will be couple of days. Because of such weather I am bad to sleep at night as I am afraid of a thunder-storm and lightnings. It also affects my serviceability. Today I need to accept again examination at the pupils. I hope, that they well will show themselves and the knowledge on mathematics as for me the big pleasure will see, that my lessons do not pass vainly! If it is fair, I to get tired on the work as teachers we at school have not enough because of a delay of wage payment and consequently to have to teach at once in 10 classes a little. Well, all right, let's not be about sad. Soon to me to go to accept examination. While there is time I to want to speak little bit more about itself. If you not against I can answer the yesterday's questions which I to write to you. I think, that these questions are important in attitudes. oK? I shall try to do it as the story that it was easier for reading and not so is tiresome. Most of all I to love in a life it is the parents as they have much made to educate me formation and that I became the independent girl. I very much love them and I respect. I certainly to want to meet the man to create with it sereznye attitudes, but at me all time was not time for such attitudes as I have been borrowed with study, and now work, but I was solved, that I too have deserved happiness. I like men reliable and true that did not take alcohol in plenties. I think, what you such? For me the main thing in attitudes between the man and the woman is fidelity, honesty and mutual trust. It seems to me, that without these qualities of the attitude will be not sincere! How you to think? I not the religious person but to visit church on church a holiday. I think, that is not necessary to go frequently to church, necessary simply soul and heart to trust in the god and to pray heart. I to not take alcohol simply so. I can drink bakall some champagne on a holiday, but no more that. I have a harmful habit! I like to look much TV at night, but I think, that it is not terrible, also I love tasty I peep, but I always know a measure in the use and constantly I visit a sports hall! I very much like to prepare various meat and fish dishes, also soups. If we shall be together I shall prepare you every day for various dishes. I prefer a fillet of a fish in white wine (it is desirable a salmon or a trout). On it I think a theme of a feed I shall finish. A little about itself: I to know German and English languages, the truth on an average level, but it not a problem as I am good to understand your letters. Oh, excuse already a lot of time and I should go. I shall write to you today after a dinner or tomorrow in the morning. I hope for your answer and still I to want to know about you everything so, that write to me with each letter more and more and revelations. OK? Hugs and Best regards! Masha. Hello Dearest and good day to you from me! I am very glad, that my new e-mail works without problems. I today have closed an old mail box, as it almost does not work. Now I can always receive your letter and enjoy reading. Yesterday I was pleased with the pupils. They have well passed examination. I shall accept the following examination on Monday, and then since June, 10 I will have a holiday from work till August, 15. I hope, that I shall well carry out the holiday and it is possible, if we learn each other I shall visit you better. I very much like to learn the person on its character of the letter. I shall try to speak in each letter more and more about myself, and you in turn write always more about myself. OK? Today I to want to speak I am more about the city in which was born and about the parents. I remind, that now I live in other city Kirov. I was born in city Samara. It is the big and beautiful city. There a lot of various entertaining and shopping centers, fountains, parks of culture and the various educational and improving centers. The population of city now more than 2 million person and every year increases due to visitors who remain on a constant residence as there warmer and favorable climate, than for example in Kirov. But it is necessary for someone to teach and in more northern cities of Russia. My parents though are on pension but continue to work. They by a trade teachers too. My mum works in the ministry formation of city Samara. Mine the daddy the professor of the Samara university. I have chosen harder a trade, as my parents and I think, that my choice is justified. Formation, medicine I think, that one of the main fields of activity of the person. What your opinion? I visited my parents the last month. I very much to miss them, but I the adult woman and should think of creation of the family. Suspecting it I shall finish the story and I shall speak about the friend! Today I to not work. I shall tidy up apartments, and I shall go then in a sports hall on training on volleyball. I like volleyball. What your favourite kind of sports in which are engaged as the man and the woman? I shall not ask today any more to you questions to not tire you mine dearest! Remember! That I always wait for your letter and to me is sad, when it long does not come. Now problems with my electronic box will not be!!! I think of you all time!!! Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Kisses, Faithfully yours Masha. Sweetheart, how are you today? What today at you weather? At us weather very cloudy. Strong northern wind and a rain. Recently I was warm also already put on in easy years clothes, and now it is again cold. Weather forecast not best from the best. Speak, that such bad weather will be till Monday. Heating in apartments have disconnected and to sleep very coldly. Usually I to sleep almost naked, and now it is necessary to dress a sweater and trousers to not freeze. It seems, that I have a little caught a cold, as I since morning had a raised body temperature and it hurt a throat a little. I should recover till Monday to accept examination. Excuse, that I cannot write much today as I should go in hospital that the doctor to me has registered medicines. I to want to inform you, that in general at me everything is all right and that soon we shall together. I think, that I almost have told all about myself. I shall speak the rest to you at our meeting so it will be much more sincere and it is more interesting. In letters much to not understand, as at us distinction in foreign languages. It is necessary to speak each other in eyes. In a week to me should install a telephone. I shall give you a phone number when it to establish. OK? I now am sure, that you that the man which are necessary for me. At me except for you anybody is not present and it is not necessary anybody! I shall write to you tomorrow. Excuse if to not answer some questions or to write with a deviation from your letter. I wait for the letter! Love! Masha. My Dear, Dear loved!!! Today at you weekend? At me too. I yet am bad to feel myself much. Still it hurt in me gorolo, but already there is no temperature. To me the doctor has registered a good medicine. I think, that by Monday I completely shall feel myself well. Today we with the girlfriend shall go in a cinema to look new film "Troya". My holiday begins with June 10. I completely now am sure, that I to want to arrive to you on a visit. I think, that I need to legalize my papers for travel. At us in city many the various transport companies both I shall go also all to learn. If all will be good, I shall be capable to arrive to you in the beginning of July. Also I shall try today to contact my mum through the Ministry of Education as she works in the Ministry of Education of other city it will borrow some time, but I think, that on Monday the answer will be from my mum. I precisely know, that she can help me through the ministry sdleat free-of-charge tickets as to the best teacher of year. I certainly not the best teacher of year, but she my mum and she will help me. You should write today only the correct data!!! 1) Your full home address. 2) Your city airport or the nearest to it. It like everything, that is required to me. Please consider this seriously! I do not know why, but I very much to want to see you in a reality and to speak with you all the day, and can and more. I have not noticed as have fallen in love with you and to me is a little disturbing on heart. I very much am afraid to be burnt. I believe you and I trust and I hope, what you will not deceive and will not hurt me? Tomorrow I shall not be capable to write to you as the school will be closed, but I shall write to you to Monday. On Monday I should accept last examination, and also receive wage payment and holiday money. It certainly very small money, but I saved all year of money for holiday. I shall write applications to Monday on reception of the visa and the passport and all to pay. Now I shall go home to have my dinner, and then to go at cinema! I wish you good weekend! Do not overlook to write to me the information which I you to ask!!! Love! Masha. P. S. My full name Maria. Masha this reduced name. How it is pleasant to you more? My love! I am very glad, that I have an opportunity to write to you the letter! I cannot write much as now I should go to accept examination. After xamination I shall receive wage payment and I shall go in the transport company to write the application on the visa and to legalize papers. I shall write to you tomorrow longer letter and all to inform. Love and kisses! Maria (Masha). My pleasant! How are you??? I am fine! Yesterday I have accepted last examination and pupils today to have a rest on a vacation till the autumn. I should finish have put at school a little and too to go in holiday. I yesterday have written the application on registration of my documents. They will be made out during 10 days. I shall be at you on a visit 2 weeks but if I shall bother you I can leave earlier. I to want to be at you as it is possible longer to learn you as it is possible better and to discuss with you plans for ours with you development of the attitude further. You to want, that I slept with you in one bed or not? I to want to sleep with you together. I yesterday have received wage payment, but to me did not give holiday money. At us in Russia frequently such it happens, that detains payment of wage payment. To me will pay holiday money only in August. It is very good, that I saved money for holiday. I should pay my documents till July 12. I still yesterday wanted to pay all, but to me did not give holiday money and it has broken my plans. I need 90 American dollars. At us all payments pass in dollars, but can send in 80 euros. These are not so big money. I receive 80 dollars a month as wage payment. I to not ask you about it, but I cannot find this money till Saturday. I shall necessarily give them to you as me will give wage payment in August. The rest everything is all right. I yesterday have received my inquiry from the ministry from my mum. She speaks, that the Ministry of Education will pay the ticket of the plane so, that all is good. I to give you the address of bank where there is a system monetary transfers western union. Vyatka - Bank. Chapaeva, 7. Kirov, 610035. Russia. Also I give to you the home address and the full name. It is required to you when you will transfer money. Maria Nizovtseva. Engelsa 12-45. Kirov, 610000. Russia. Please send money today! I shall go now in school, and then to wait your letter! Love! Maria. Marina
Larina (Cheboksary, Russia) Letters: Good morning, Tony, my Everything! It's a Wednesday already and I have come here to make your new day begin with good news. It happened so thatIreturned from my trip to Nizhny Novgorod three days later than I had hoped it would take, but it was worth it because I am now twice as excited and enthusiastic about all this than I was before!I couldn't wait till my classes are over to come here and share with you these "boiling" emotions within me!When we arrived back to Cheboksary yesterday it was almost midnight and too late to write you.That is why I could hardly sleep this night:million things about this new change in my life didn't leave my mind in peace.Olga had to suffer without sleep too, as I kept tossing and turning in my bed which is very oldand squeaky.So both of us look more like ghosts rather than teachers this morning.Anyw ay, I won't keep you wondering about my news any longer and try to tell you all I that we had found out.On Friday, as we came to the FSA office (the exchage organization) we only found a group of local students and teachers who were filling out their applications for some other program and we were told that the manager had to go to Moscow main office and would return only Tuesday morning.So Olga and I had nothing else left to do but wait in Nizhny till Tuesday because it would be too expensive to make another trip.We called the University to make sure that they can give us Monday and Tuesday off.My friend in Nizhny was only happy to spend two more days with us because she lives all by herself and our visit is a nice entertainment for her.Besides, Olga had never been to Nizhny before and we had so much fun taking her places.I also had a chance to visit some of my University teachers who became not only good teachers but also good and wise helpers and friends during my student years in Nizhny Novgorod.Tuesday turned out to be even busier than if I were working that day!Olga and I spent from 9am to 5pm in the FSA office, speaking with the manager and discussing all the conditions of the post-graduate program, all its advantages and disadvantages comparing to other existing programs that FSA offers.Finally we decided that this is really the best and most suitable variant for us, as the visa it provides will allow us not only to work there and earn our living, but also to study at some college or University courses in order to improve our qualification. The manager taught us how to fill out a 30-page application properly because no mistakes and uncertainties in it are allowed.The competition for this kind of program is quite tough (only 35 students out of 180 were granted visas last year) and it is importantto do everything exactly as required.The applications include 10 pages of essays on different topics and they will be checked by the U.S. side of the organization.They should be filled out and sent to Nizhny Novgorod by the 10th of March.As we were told, those applicants whose applications are approved will be notified approximately in the middle of April and then they will be given a two-week term to make the visa payment.After the Moscow office confirms the lists of regional groups of participants who were granted visas, those who failed will get their full visa payment back and those who are lucky will have anot her two-weeks to pay for the flight (depending on whether they choose Washington D.C. or New York as their first destination).The flight itself will be scheduled for the last week of May, so that the participant could settle in the U.S. in the chosen city and start his search for a job in the first days of June already.Another good point of the program is that it allows to make a choice:if a person's aim is to earn money and study, he may just take any kind of a job, not necessarily at school or a kids' summer camp, where those will work who come mainly to improve their teaching skills and have brought enough money to pay for their living because we were warned that summer camps and even teacher's work will not cover all our living expences.Before you tell me what you think of it, I want you to know that I am not in the least intended to MAKE you welcome me in your home and in your life.My intention is (that is if I am lucky to get the visa) to come and find me a place to live (rent a room somewhere) so that you and I could just see each other from time to time and take it slowly.I do not want to be obtrusive and to become a burden on you in anything.I want to be responsibe for myself and let both of us have enough time to decide whether we belong to each other.This will only be fair to you, my dear.If you don't agree with me, just tell me your reasons.You know that I am willing to understand and reconsider my decisions if your opinion is more reasonable. And though it is too early to make such decisions now, I want so much to hear your opinion of this whole thing.If you tell me that it is not how you planned our meeting, I will still take this chance and if I am granted the visa I will just go to some place in the U.S. and stay there by myself working and studying to improve my skills and gain more experience.In that case, my trip will be purely business-like because it would help me a lot for my future work upon my return to Russia.But if you and I really make it work for us during my 6-month trip, we may decide to make it a life-long story :-)... who knows?Listen to what your friends say:"If it works -- it's good".We could turn that "if" into "when", couldn't we?Speaking of your friends, it is not only that I can understand them better now, but what is most important -- I can understand you better.They say in Russia:& nbsp; tell me who your friends are and I will know who you are. Every time I read your letters I get a very warm feeling inside.I feel like you are my true "soul-mate" !!We both seem to care about each other the same way.And we both seem to want the same thing.So, what is stopping us??Tony, I really do hope that this will work out. I am convinced that no other person on earth could make me as happy as you could.It's very difficult to put into words how I feel about you.Yes, I do care. Very much..It is truly amazing how much we think alike, and how much we ARE alike... And no one, no law, no country can keep us apart if we really try! For me, there is no turning back now.I know all we have at this point are mere letters typed on a computer, but WE did the typing with our minds and emotions.I believe in you and in us and that this all IS for real.Tony, I want you to know that I am NORMAL, FAR FROM PERFECT girl who is looking for my NORMAL AND PERFECT JUST FOR ME guy. And I also want you to know (although I had already told you earlier) that my dreams are not big, they are just dreams.I have no illusions.I am just a creator in my heart and I hope to build my life with my man so that my dreams could become a part of his dreams (read "Tony's dreams").Please, take your time and read this letter carefully.I do not demand a quick responce because I understand that this is very important for both of us.But I do want to hear your TRUE opinion.Don't be afraid to tell me straight all that you think and feel.I would appreciate it most of all because honesty is the only way to make it work the best way for both of us.With all my hopeful, open and burning heart, Your MarinaP.S.And how do you suppose I should sleep after seeing those photos that you sent me, especially your close up? I should have brought a thermometer with me to measure my temperature as I opened them one by one.... I bet it rose at least two degrees higher... On that portrait photo you look so REAL, so CLOSE, that if I reached out my hand to you I would probably touch your hand... P.P.S. I keep forgetting to give you my address, but believe me it was my old intention to do so.Here it is.Finally. 428000 Russia, Chuvashia,Cheboksary Glavpochtampt, do vostrebovania For Larina Marina Nickolaevna Since the dormitory mail boxes are constantly get "vandalized" by some crazy freshmen, Idon't trust receiving my mail here.So, I will give you my Post Office Box ddress where your letters will be safe till I come to pick them up.This service can only accept letters and post cards, no packages.So, I guess I will have to wait till you can give me flowers from your own hands :-)..... P.P.P.S. I will call you after I receive your next letter and know what you think of my news.Just let me know the time when you are at home, ok? P.P.P.P.P.S.My two-hours's visit here is over ten minutes ago already and they will probably kick me out of this chair if I write another line.I will not forget to comment on your questions next time, though. All of them are quite important. How is my Tony-Happiness doing? Did you celebrate the V-Day? You probably know that the 9th of May is the main and most celebrated holiday in Russia.Every family in this country has a tragic story to tell about that war...One of my Grandfathers (my mother's dad) was killed in 1995, a month before our troops entered Berlin.My other Grandfather was a pilot (fighter) and he was badly wounded during the war, but had survived.He died 10 years ago and doctors say that the old wound didn't let him live longer.Yesterday morning when I went to the telegraph office to call you, I sent a telegram to my Grandmother asking her to put a bouquet on his grave from me and our family when she goes to the graveyard.I know that she would do that without my request, but I just want it her to know that we all care and it doesn't matter how many years have passed... Yes, I did try to call you yesterday and even twice.But the girl, the operator, told me that it would be difficult to reach overseas that day because of extremely busy lines on a holiday.Nevertheless, I dialed your number several times because I just couldn't miss a single chance.But she was right -- I could hear nothing but busy signal.And the same happened in the evening, when Olga and I were going back from the celebration concert on the central square of the city.She suggested that I should try again and so we did, but to no success.Even if I reached you I probably wouldn't be able to tell you all my news anyway, but at least I would hear your voice and it would make my day complete... I have a whole load of news to share with you today, my Tony...And it is not the best news, I am afraid. I think, I had written you that I was supposed to speak to my parents on the phone that same day I wrote you a letter.So we did, but it was only my Mom who came to their local telegraph.She told me that my father had left to visit my uncle Igor (his brother) in Kiev.Igor had gone through a blood transfusion and would be in hospital for another two or three weeks, she said.He lives all by himself in Kiev and there is noone to take care of him in case something happens.He is a widower and has no children.I know that my father couldn't do otherwise but go to see him and make sure that he is all right.My Mom didn't tell me the details though and I had had no idea that Igor was seriously ill, but knowing him, I am not surprised -- he had always kept everything inside, trying not to trouble an yone with his own problems...My Mom couldn't tell me anything about my request to transfer the trip money to me since all their savings are on my father's bank account in Krasnodar.But she gave me the home number of my uncle, where I can find my Dad. After talking to her, I dialed that number and an old woman answered the phone who told me that she is Igor's neighbor and that he had asked her to look after his dog and birds while he is in hospital.She told me that my father would most likely come only in the late evening because he has been spending all days in the hospital just in case another transfusion is needed (Igor's state is still very unstable, she said).I asked her to tell my father that I called and would try early in the morning again, so that he would wait for my call before leaving to the hospital.I did reach him the next morning and he said that he remembered about my trip and about my request.He promised to arrange everything from Kiev, since he can't leave Igor yet and go to Krasnodar.We had agreed that I would call him again on Tuesday evening (Sat., Sunday and Monday are the holidays and banks don't work).So I am going to speak to him tomorrow and I pr ay that he can arrange everything in time... I had already written you that my first payment for the tickets is due by the coming Friday, May 14, and the rest is due by the 28th of May.Tomorrow, I will go to the organization office and ask them if I the first payment could be put off at least for a few days, just in case my father cannot arrange it so fast.According to my individual travel package pricelist, the whole trip totals $1.799, it includes visa, insurance, transfer to Moscow and two-way tickets from Moscow to Washington,D.C. and then to Minneapolis.I have already paid $140 for the visa, so the next payment will be include insurance and transfer, and the last payment will be for the tickets.If it is interesting to you, here's the pricelist as it looks like on the paper that they had given me last week: visa - $140, insurance - $280, transfer - $95. tickets (including airport tax): 1) Moscow (Sheremetjevo-2) to Washington, D.C.(IAD) - $969,50 (Air France 2545/28). 2) Washington, D.C. (IAD) to Minneapolis (MSP) - $314 (United Airlines 5333). TOTAL: $1.799. I have also received the exact schedule of my flight: I fly out of Moscow on Thursday, June 17 (the only day available by the time I came there) at 7:15am and arrive to Washington, D.C. at 12:45pm (considering the time change).We will have to change planes in Paris, but it isn't bad because we will have a chance to walk a little and strech our legs :-) Then I fly out of Washington at 2:40pm and arrive to Minneapolis at 4:20pm.Is it a good time for you to meet me?If not, you just tell me whether I should wait for you there or get to your place by a bus, ok? Before I forget to ask you again:do you think that I should take my personal portfolio with pictures of my works?Could it help me there some day if I decide to work in that field? It looks like a big album and wouldnt' take much place, but I am just not sure if they would look at it at all... What do you think? Well, I guess, I will leave you with all this information to digest:-) Olga has come to take me shopping for summer shoes for her.She is waiting outside and I can see her getting impatient :-)Will you let me go before she began getting mad at both of us? :-)By the way, she said that she won't forgive me if I don't bring you here to Russia some day :-) Thinking of you even when I sleep... Your future traveller Marina Do you know what a pleasure and joy it is to finally open the e-mail box after two hours of standing in a hot hall full of noisy people, and to find your letter with a whole "photoalbum" waiting there?No, you don't.... It's like feeling wings on your back, which will lift you up to the skies if you really wished it... Tony, you also don't know how much courage, will and inner hesitations it took me to make this decision that could change not only mine, but the lives of a man whom I believe to be the most deserving happiness -- YOU... And also the lives of people that close to us: our families and friends...That is why I had made it a principle to pay for this trip myself.I had decided though because I had been 100% sure that my loving parents and friends would help me so that I would not be obliged to you for anything.I had been hoping so much to make this trip of mine without causing you any worries, doubts and which is most unpleasant -- financial troubles.But I guess, I don't have the choice now. One thing I want you to understand is that I AM NOT ASKING YOU FOR ANYTHING.I am leaving it up to you.Either to complete this plan to be together now or put it off till next year -- up to you.Why next year?Because for me to invite you here would take 6 months at the least.I had already found out long before I decideb to come myself.Tony, if you just have one little tiny doubt or back thought about what we are doing, tell me.I will cancell everything.It is not difficult.That $400 that I had already invested in the program is not refundable now but I will not die without this money.I can earn even more during the coming summer because this is what I was going to do if I didn't plan to come to you.I would work in a resourt kids' camp and they pay well.Anyway, money is not the point. Just say a word, or give me hint that you have changed your mind about me and my trip.I will understand.It is just as difficult for me as it is on you to overcome this fear to be so trustful.But I prefer to keep the purity of our relationship rather than coming to you with the thought that you don't trust me and your friends all think that I am going to use you.Frankly speaking, your last letter simply brought me to tears.I was so naive all this time to think that we trust each other completely... But all I can say in return is that there's no other way to live this life right than giving your whole love and your whole self unconditionally and fully to the chosen soulmate.I had also been thinking that it's a little frightening to have all this emotional energy tied to one person (YOU). This is not some game where there isn't much at stake, and I don't have a "Plan B", Tony. I know that most people would also think me crazy, but I trust you completely, and I want to be with you like there's no tomorrow.I consider myself being with you, and even though it's in spirit and mind only right now we will be together physically later.At least, I believe so. How can you know this?You can't.You have to trust me as I trust you.When you decide to trust someone completely, it can be very frightening because you make yourself extremely vulnerable.And you can't let the disappointments of past relationships intrude on the current one.Each person is different, and you can't judge a person based on what someone else has done in the past.There is a human tendency to do this though.The opposite of trust is fear.Fear leads to anxiety and paranoid thoughts.Are you capable of trusting me, my Tony? I think I believe in soul-mates, or at least I want to, or at least I know I used to.In one way that means to me that soulmates are two people who are MEANT to be together.Possible, though obviously very hard and rare.And I thought it was our case.I felt you are that rare soulmate for me. I understand, that nothing is perfect, nothing is completely ideal. Always there will be moments of strain and sadness and boredom that you wrote about describing your days. But also, when love is real, there will be moments of such sweetness that heaven and ecstasy and bliss all fail to describe.And I so much hope that you and I are to experience all of it some day, sooner or later...I also wouldn't want to lose you for you had given me that hope of piece and harmony with a man I had been so long looking for. I feel that getting deeper into this ocean of doubts is only bringing us apart from each other.Both of us can screw up things if we get possessed by doubts and gloomy thoughts.I know perfectly well how hard it is to overcome oneself.It is also difficult for me to blindly believe in our future and especially after you had been given ground to doubt it.I know.And I can't say to you:Please believe and trust me.All I can do is rely on your heart, your feelings, your decision... Your suggestion to pay for the trip directly to the American side of the program would have been a fine solution for you, and for me maybe, if not for the fact that it cannot be done that way.I was explained that I have to pay it in cash, here, in the office and sign several receits for each service I am paying for.They are very strict about this and all they can do is give me another week, after which I would have to pay for the booking of my tickets as I had agreed and leave... All I have found here --$320. My father cannot send the power of attorney because he has to hire a Russian notary for that and it is too expensive in Ukraine.Last time I called he was very nervous and told me that I should try to find money here while he is in Kiev.He said, that he would give it to me when I come to stay with them and that my friends shouldn't have to worry about it but the thing is I don't have such friends who can help in this situation.I am at a loss.I don't know who to listen.I don't know what I should do, although I almost physically feel the time is running and something needs to be done.I just don't know.I have done all this that I could do and now I am like between the earth and the sky, waiting for I don't know what. Whatever you decide -- I will take it as the only right decision, for I can't make my own... Marina I wrote this yesterday night, but couldn't send it off right then. So, I am sending it this morning and hope, you are still waiting... It's almost 9 o'clock in the evening; the weather is absolutely dreadful - cold and miserable.I am feeling so blue this evening - I thought that maybe a long walk and a hot bath after that would make me feel better but somehow I felt that it would only make me feel sadder.I am so lonely here without you.I wish so much that I could be there with you, to lie down beside you, and to speak soft words to you.It's not very often that I feel like I need someone, but tonight I feel like I need you so much.And you're not with me.On a night like this, all my foolish doubts seem to come to the surface - that voice inside my head that says: "what do you think you're doing, you foolish girl?What are you thinking? Why don't you just go out and find yourself some local man who would lay the world before you to get you as a wife, and just be normal for a change?"But still, I know that being"normal" is ju st not an option for me.I'm not like other women, I guess.I should know that by now.You are the one that I want to be with.I know that, and so I can't be with anyone else.I am saving all of my love for you.Loneliness wasn't so bad before, when I wanted to be alone, to wait for the right man.But now that I have found you, I don't want to be alone anymore.I just want to be with you. I guess there is no real reason for this letter tonight.I just wanted to write it, and to send it off into nowhere.I am sorry to be expressing all these sentimental thoughts.But I can't pretend that everything is ok with me.I still feel like I don't really know anything about you, and I keep wondering if all my waiting, all my devotion, all my hopes, will just end up being a big nothing.I am so afraid of that.But we have come so far.What's going to happen to us?I wish I could look into the future.Tonight I don't feel very strong.I wish you were here to give me comfort, to hold me and tell me that everything will be fine.Perhaps I shouldn't have written this letter to you at all.I know that there is nothing you can do to be with me at this moment and probably you feel the same way I do.But I need you!I know that I will feel better tomorrow.That's always the way it is.Things don't really change very much from one day to the next - but the way we look at them does. Where are you tonight, Tony?Where do you sleep? What do you dream?Are you feeling as lonely and down like me?I know that you could have any woman you want, because you are so gentle, caring, smart and good-looking. I am so sorry to be writing this - if I was smart, I would just destroy it and not send it.But still, I want you to have it.I wa nt you to know that I am not a perfect woman - that I can feel lonely and afraid. And that I want to be trusted and loved, and that I need to trust someone myself and love this One with all my heart, and that I am very sensitive and emotional, and that I have my own vices as every human does.The time will come when we become so close that you will be able to see all those vices and I will strive to change to the better for you, always.But you will never have a chance to call me a liar.That is not among my vices and this is something I am proud of, as boastful as it sounds. When I read your letters in the morning, asking me to give you some kind of a proof that I am who I am, I felt so humiliated, so hurt that I just wanted to delete all my letters to you and forget about it as if it was just a bad dream...I felt like slaping you in the face if only I were there with you at that moment.I had never done that before to anyone, but I felt that way and I guess it was an instinctive impulse of self-defence from being humiliated and hurt.I am so sorry, Tony, but I am telling you all this because I want you to know me inside out.I am telling you this for you to see what power your words have over me.Not even my mother or father - the closest and dearest people for me - don't have such power over me.Maybe it's because I know that I will not lose their love no matter what I do, but your love is something I must treasure and keep safe. But as hurt as I am by your request, I will not ignore it.The thing I will tell you now is something I meant to tell you when we become really close and intimate enough to share such things.But you leave me no choice, Tony.I will not give you the phone number of my host parents and the reason is that I don't want to break the peace in their family.Let me explain:my host father, Bill, is a very kind and generous-hearted man.He loved me with all his heart and maybe this was not just love to a child or a friend, but I felt that he loved me as a woman, too, although there was a 40-year age difference between us when I cams to stay with their family for a year.I was 17 and he was 57.I will never forget what he did for me:he took me to million of places (theme parks where I could sit and draw people, animals, houses..; galleries, libraries, ice-skating rink, football games, truck-races, his work pl ace Publix where I got acqainted with his co-workers and could learn how to use a computer for the first time in my life, also he took me to the ocean, picked up beautiful seashells for me to send home, helped me to choose souveniers and presents for all my family members and friends back home, he went shopping with me and helped me whenever I needed).Naturally, his wife could see all this.But she couldn't imagine that his love could be pure and very respectful.She started getting very jealous and constantly made me feel guilty whenever he did something for me.Of course I could put an end to all this just by asking Bill to stop treating me as his own daughter, but I was not feeling that we are doing something wrong.I was happy and I appreciated my host father's warm attitude and tried to be a good student, I did all the work around the house (his wife never had to move a finger).Anyway, to make this story short:by the end of m y stay, I felt like a bird in small cage.I was afraid to make an extra move, I was afraid to say a good word to Bill without being misunderstood by his wife.He never even thought of touching me, although he may have a very strong wish to.He is a noble man and he stays in my memory as the man who managed to discover the best sides of life in your country, who taught me to communicate with people, to enjoy every minute and surroundings of life.But both of us had to pay high price for that:especially him.His wife constantly yelled at him, even when I was there and could hear everything.She never forgave him his attention to me, although he kept treating her and their own children with the same attention, too.She just saw an enemy in me and couldn't forgive me for my youth.When I was leaving them, they went to the airport to put me on the plane and she stopped me before I went inside and said:I hope someone wi ll break your family when you have one, just as you broke mine.BUT I DIDN'T!!!!!!I never meant to!! I was just a girl, a child in a strange world, in need of help and support!And she never thought about it.I left them with the decision that I will never try to interfere with their life.I gave myself that promise and I never ever wrote or called them since then, although Bill kept writing to me for a couple more years and just told how empty his life became after I left. My parents don't know the whole drama.They only know that I returned from the U.S. not as a child but as a grown up, mature person who has learnt about life.You are the first person whom I tell about this.For me this story is a very intimate thing.This is the first drama in my life and it taught me a lot.I think that this episode of my life has made me very cautious, very sensitive as far as feelings are concerned.Well, enough of that.There are many other things I could tell you about my stay in the U.S. but let me keep it till I feel that I want to share them, ok?It was hard enough to tell you this and I am feeling absolutely "naked" in front of younow that I told you my heart drama.Such things are very difficult to convey in written words. I am not sure if you can get a "YellowPages" book for Florida in your place, but if you can, find this name in it :WARREN SINDORF.He used to be a trainer in the YMCA club where I went two times a week.He is an old man, an invalid, but he overcame the pain and started training himself 5 hours every day and this is what made me and others admire this strong man.He must be over 80 years already because then he was about 70-72 when I stayed in the U.S.He also was very friendly to me and even invited me to his house several times when his daughter cooked dinner.He was so curious about life in Russian and he could listen to me for hours forgetting about his training machines :-) Anyway, if you manage to find his phone number, call him.He will be glad to know that I remember him.You can also find the number of "Friday's" restaurant where I worked two months in the end of my stay.I am sure that there is at least a couple of people who worked then and remember their hostess Marina.Tony, my dear, I am so tired of writing:I so want to be able to say everything with my own eyes... These days are the most difficult for me.And for you, too.I know.Will we overcome them?Do we have a future?Will we re-gain our trust?Will your friends ever believe me and accept me as your half?I am afraid, Tony.I need you now.More than ever.More than anyone. I do not want to talk about money now.After all, we have a whole week more for that.I just want you to read my letter now.And I just want to be heard and understood.By you. Marina. P.S.Tony, I had written you my full name earlier: it's Larina (my last name, accent on the first syllable), Marina (first name, accent on the second syllable) and Nickolaevna (middle name).My father's name is Larin Nickolaj Yurjevich, mother:Larina Elena Alekseevna, brother:Larin Sergey Nickolaevich. campanello@post.com. serglarin82@rambler.ru |
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