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By Susie Cortright, http://www.momscape.com
Active listening makes your mate feel worthy,
appreciated, interesting, and respected. Besides the
physical act of sex itself, it is one of the most important things you
can do to solidify your friendship and strengthen intimacy.
When active listening occurs, ordinary
conversations emerge on a deeper
level, and so does the relationship.
Here are some tips for active
listening:
-
Face your mate. Sit up
straight or lean forward slightly to show your attentiveness through
body language.
-
Maintain eye contact.
-
Minimize external distractions.
Turn off the TV. Put down your book or magazine, and ask your mate to
do the same.
-
Respond appropriately to show
that you understand. Murmur ("uh-huh" and
"um-hmm") and nod. Raise your eyebrows. Use words such as
"really," and "interesting," as well as more
direct prompts: "What did you do then?" and "How did
that go?"
-
Focus solely on what your mate is
saying. Try not to think about what you are going to say next.
-
Minimize internal distractions.
If your own thoughts keep horning in, simply let them go and
continuously re-focus your attention on your mate.
-
Keep an open mind. Wait
until your mate is finished with his thought before deciding that you
disagree. Try not to make assumptions about what he's thinking.
-
Avoid letting the speaker know
how you handled a similar situation. Unless she specifically
asks for advice, assume she just needs to talk it out.
-
Even if the speaker is launching a
complaint against you, wait until he finishes to defend yourself. And avoid
responding to a complaint with a complaint of your own.
-
Engage yourself. Ask
questions for clarification, but, once again, wait until the speaker
has finished. After you ask questions, paraphrase the speaker's point
to make sure you didn't misunderstand. Start with: "So you're
saying..."
As you work on developing your active
listening skills, you may feel a bit panicky when there is a natural
pause in the conversation. With practice, it will become easier
for you to settle into the silence and to use those natural pauses to
better understand your mate's point of view.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Susie Cortright is
the author of Rekindling Your Romance After Kids http://www.momscape.com/rekindle.htm
- and More Energy for Moms - http://www.momscape.com/energy
- a mind-body-spirit fitness program and community. Susie is also the
founder of the award-winning Momscape.com, a website designed to help
busy parents find balance. Visit http://www.momscape.com
today and get Susie's free course-by-email, "Six Days to Less
Stress."
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