Just a Start - A letter to My
by Rick Gilman
As you know, I returned recently from a trip to
Russia to meet with Irina, with whom I've been corresponding now for
about 10 months. Since
you've all been practically begging for details, I've written this
account of my trip. It's
length has gotten a little out-of-hand, so be forewarned.
First, you may be curious as to how I started
this correspondence in the first place.
It all began during a business lunch with two female
colleagues about one year ago.
We were meeting to plan for a group activity for our work
team, and after quickly settling the business at hand, we started
talking about life and work in general.
I told them that I was really enjoying my job and the people
I was working with, but that as a 35 year old single man in a small city, that I didn't have a social life to speak of, and that I
felt I was missing that part of life.
As it turns out, one of these ladies was very active with Internet dating, and took me under her wing, so to speak.
From her description, Internet dating seemed
like a good fit for me. I
don't like crowds, or loud, smoky places filled with obnoxious,
half drunk people. And
I prefer to know someone at least a little before dating.
So writing to girls I was interested in seemed like a good
way to jump-start my social life.
Naturally, at first I concentrated on finding someone
locally, but gradually I extended my search further and further.
Eventually, I thought that if I were going to get to know
someone first through letters and perhaps telephone calls, than why
not open my search internationally?
So I didn't start out looking for Eastern
European women specifically, but I was open to the idea.
It was surprising for me to learn about the extent of the international dating industry, especially with Eastern European
women. As a marketer
myself, I know hype when I see it, and there's an awful lot of
hype surrounding this industry.
Even so, the profiles and pictures are certainly seductive.
No doubt, the industry knows that beauty sells.
It's fortunate that I make a fairly good living, as you
know. I have the means
to pursue an international relationship, and it certainly has not
been inexpensive. And
truth be told, I'd love to find someone locally - it would be a
lot more convenient in so many ways.
Nevertheless, about 8 months ago, I started
writing to several women, and after a few months decided to visit
Irina in Volgograd. From
the beginning, I thought Irina was a bright girl, and sweet too.
And of course I though she was very pretty - a brunette with
lovely green eyes, very slim, and a good match for my height
(she's about 5'6" and I'm about 5'9").
She would soon be starting her final year at the
President's Academy in Volgograd. At 23, she's a little younger than the girls I would
normally date, but that's a plus from my perspective.
In the very least I thought visiting Irina would make for a
very interesting vacation, and who knows maybe it would be the
beginning of something special.
Surprisingly, it seems like almost everyone I've talked to about this has one of "those stories" to tell - one about
knowing someone who's has married internationally, and quite
successfully at that.
Getting back to my trip, I will say that I
consider it to have been successful.
It was not as romantic as I had hoped, but it was our first
meeting in person, after all. I
did get to spend a lot of time with Irina over the week of my visit.
I met one of her friends, saw some of Volgograd, where she
lives now, and also traveled to her hometown to meet and stay with
her family for two days. And
yes, Mom, Irina is as pretty in person as she is in her pictures,
prettier in fact. I
found her also to be a very proud Russian girl, and quite a pistol
too! She's very
outgoing and is certainly used to being the center of attention. One might say she's the "star" of her small family,
which consists of her Mother, Aunt, and first cousins Christina, and
Sasha (Alexander)- all of whom I met, except Sasha.
Unfortunately, my journey to Russia didn't
start out all that well. My
flight out of New York's JFK airport was inexplicably delayed 2
hours and so I missed my connecting flight from Moscow to Volgograd.
I had to wait 5 hours in Moscow for the next flight to
Volgograd with no way of contacting Irina or the driver who was to
transfer me from the Volgograd airport to the hotel.
So when I did finally arrive in Volgograd around midnight,
flowers in hand, I was disappointed to find no one waiting for me.
Luckily, there was an English-speaking Russian woman who
noticed my predicament, took pity on me, and helped me find a taxi
to the hotel. The next
morning I contacted the Agency that Irina was using and they helped
me get in touch with her. When
I did finally talk to her by phone, she said that she had thought
that I had changed my mind and decided not to come.
So I think we were both a little heart-broken that we had
missed each other at the airport.
But now that we had gotten in touch with one
another, we made plans to meet in the afternoon and get acquainted
with the help of an interpreter from the Agency.
I can't tell you how happy I was to finally meet Irina in
person. And the form
fitting, flesh colored jumpsuit she was wearing certainly didn't
hurt! We decided to go
to a cafe on the bank of the Volga River to have lunch and discuss
our plans for the week.
During lunch, I gave Irina the first of my
presents. I had planned
to give her a small present every day of the week and the first one
was a "care" package.
This was a collection of small things such as
over-the-counter medicines and personal care items that my company
makes. I must say that
I felt a bit patronizing and silly giving her these things and she
didn't really seem very interested in them.
Although the next day she said that she had realized that all
the items were meant to help her take good care of herself so she
seemed a little more appreciative then.
She did really enjoy the small stuffed animal and I had also
included an electronic translator that she used often during our week together, so those things, at least, I know she liked.
I should have mentioned that Irina's English is not fluent by
any means, but it was functional. We decided not to use a translator from the Agency after our
first day together. In
fact, I'd say we communicated quite well all things considered.
I learned to speak simply and slowly (but not too simply or slowly or she'd take offense).
I only learned a few simple Russian "survival" phrases, but I tried to use them whenever possible.
She always giggled when I did this, which didn't feel very
encouraging, but when I asked her about this, she said that it was
just very unexpected, but that she liked it actually.
So I felt better about trying to use my very limited Russian
with her after that.
After lunch we went to see the "Mother
Russia" war memorial. This
memorial was built on the highest point in Volgograd and was the
site of fierce fighting with the "fascists" (Nazi's)
during WW II. I
didn't remember this at the time, but I believe this was the
setting for the movie "Enemies at the Gate," so if you've seen
that film, it may help give some context to the brutality of the fighting that occurred there.
Irina and the Interpreter tried to convince me
that the "Mother Russia" memorial is taller than the Statue of
Liberty. Now "Mother
Russia" is quite impressive and much bigger than it seems from a
distance (as in this photo), but there's no way it's taller than the
Statue of Liberty! It is
built on the highest point in the area, so maybe it's higher above
sea level than the Statue of Liberty, but there's no way that the
statue itself is taller than the Statue of Liberty.
(Note to self: look up the respective sizes of "Mother
Russia" and the Statue of Liberty!)
After a tour of the memorial, we returned to
the Volga River to take a little boat cruise where we talked a
little more. We debated
the relative merits of the Russian and Canadian ice dancers sharing
the gold medal in the last Olympics.
Irina thinks the whole thing was quite scandalous, and firmly
believes that the Russian couple deserved the gold medal and the
Canadians did not. But
of course, she's not biased! She
also expressed some concerns about America, which I thought were
very interesting. For
example, she thought that there are many rules in America, more so
than in Russia, and that Americans are in fact less free than their
Russian counterparts because of this.
She also seemed concerned with how Russians are perceived
abroad. For instance,
she had heard stories about Russians being looked down upon by
custom officials of other countries, and thought that Russians had a
poor reputation among foreigners.
I tried to allay her fears as best I could, but there's
really nothing I could have said that would help as much as her
seeing America firsthand. Perhaps
she'll have a chance to do that someday.
That night we went to a restaurant called
"Dragon," which had a Chinese theme outside, served
European food, played MTV-like videos on a TV monitor, but played
different Russian music over the speakers.
Did I mention the disco ball?
It was quite a mix of different styles!
Irina liked to quiz me to see if I knew the music that was
playing in the restaurant. She
quickly discovered that I was not familiar with any of the European
artists, which seemed to cause her some distress.
Many times during the week she quizzed me about music that
was playing in cafes or over the radio for example, and never missed
an opportunity to tease me about not knowing European music.
(But really, with so much American music in American, who
wants to hear European music?)
Anyway, after dinner it was getting late so we called it a
day and planned to meet again the next day.
As it turned out, Tuesday was not our best day
together, although it started well enough. Irina liked the ladies
wristwatch I gave her. She
told me that she had had a watch, but that it stopped working a few
months ago. So my gift was ... timely, if you pardon the pun.
She made a point of wearing it throughout our week together.
But I think Irina was a little overwhelmed with trying to communicate with me in English, although I was very happy with her
effort. We spent the
afternoon touring another War memorial, but Irina had been there
before and didn't seem very engaged.
Also, when I tried to ask her some questions to get her
talking about herself, she didn't seem very interested in answering,
or maybe it was just a little too difficult for her to do it in
English. So the afternoon was disappointing.
I had mentioned in a letter that I wanted to
meet her friends, so in the evening she invited her friend Nelly to
join us for dinner. Dinner
was difficult because I could not really participate in the (mostly
Russian) conversation, although Irina did her best to translate.
After dinner we went out to a dance club that also had four bowling lanes in an adjacent area.
Irina had never bowled before so she asked me if I would
teach her. Well, I'm
not much of a bowler, although I did enjoy it the few times I went
bowling in college. So
I was happy to have something that all of us could do together that
didn't depend so much on language.
Luckily, the machine kept score automatically so I didn't
have to try to remember how to keep score.
And on my first attempt, I got a very lucky strike so I
looked like I knew what I was doing. Although after that I didn't do so well, but that worked in
my favor, as Irina and Nelly did not look so bad by comparison.
We all had a lot of fun bowling so that seemed to make up for
earlier in the afternoon. Then Irina took me dancing which was quite interesting.
She loves to dance and so while I don't particularly, I did
my best because at least it was something else we could do together.
She really enjoyed the music and dancing, and knew many of
the song lyrics by heart - whether Russian or English.
At the end of the night, we made plans for the three of us to
catch a bus to Mikhailovka the next day. Nelly
had never visited Irina's hometown either, so she joined us.
In retrospect, I wish I had asked Nelly not to
join us for the trip to Mikhailovka.
I found it hard to compete with her for Irina's attention
since it was so much easier for Irina to talk to her friend in her
native language, and about things they had in common, than it was to
talk to me, a man who's practically a stranger, and in a second
For an American man like me, seeing Mikhailovka
was like stepping back in time.
It's a relatively small town of 5,000 people or so.
The major industry in the town is a concrete manufacturing
plant and practically the whole town is covered with fine concrete
dust. The houses were
small and packed close together.
A train station and its tracks cut the town in half.
Most of the road was unpaved.
Nevertheless, her mother's home was quite nice and tidy on
the inside, although there was no running hot water during summer
months. Water was
heated on the stove for bathing in the morning or at night.
When we arrived at her mother's home, her
mother, Aunt, and her Aunt's daughter Christina greeted us.
I greeted them in Russian.
Inside, they asked me how much Russian I spoke.
They seemed quite pleased even though I reeled off only about
7-8 Russian phrases. But
they were gracious to say that it was the quality of Russian I knew,
not the quantity that mattered.
Now Irina had warned them beforehand that I didn't like fish
or "rabbit food" (my term), so they knew I was a fussy
eater. So I was quite
proud of myself when I managed to choke down a whole bowl of
borscht, which really wasn't so bad all things considered.
That made Irina and her family very happy.
Then we had chicken and rice with champagne, then wine. Irina
likes red wine, preferably dry and Georgian.
I sipped a little champagne so that I could participate in
the toasts, but never did manage to finish the whole glass and
therefore, never did make it to the wine.
I did learn that the 3rd toast is always for
the fourth toast was mine, so I proposed a toast to traveling half
way around the world and making new friends, which seemed to please
After dinner, an announcement that I wanted to
take some pictures sent all of the women scurrying to freshen up
their make-up. I'd
never seen a table abandoned so quickly!
Apparently, picture taking is serious business in that
household! My digital
camera was a big hit for instant viewing (and for re-taking photos
that didn't turn out so well).
In the evening we shared family photos.
I had brought quite a few copies of our family photos that I
had scanned and had printed, as well as pictures of my home, and
some vacation pictures too. By
the way, Irina's family sends a "hello" to all of you.
They seemed to really enjoy the photos and Irina enjoyed
playing interpreter, although she (mocked) complained almost
constantly. I offered
her a (mere) 5-ruble coin for her translating services and she was
(suitably) unimpressed! Then
it was time for them to show me their family pictures, and they
certainly had a lot. It
was a lot of fun to see their family history in pictures.
Well, it was a long day so we called it a night at last.
Although I noticed that Irina and Nelly looked through a
fashion magazine before going to bed, so that made me wish that I
had brought some English fashion magazines such as Glamour
or Vogue. I'm sure Irina would have enjoyed comparing fashions, and I'm equally sure that the magazines would have made their way
through the hands of her Mother, Aunt, and each of her friends, and
each of their friends too. Anyway,
I was really tired and slept quite well on their sleeper sofa, which
they had made up for me.
Early the next morning, Irina's mother left for
work, but her Aunt and daughter had stayed over so that they could
make us breakfast when we got up.
Irina likes to sleep 10 hours a day and, by the way, has a
"very healthy" appetite, to put it politely.
How she manages to stay so small is beyond me.
But I like her small figure so I'm not complaining by any
means. However, my appetite could not keep up with hers.
For breakfast, we had the Russian equivalent of flapjacks, which were very tasty. They
served them hot off the stove, with melted cream and sugar sprinkled
on top. Irina
instructed me on the importance of spreading the cream on the
flapjacks immediately so the cream would melt on top.
They were very good I must say, but I could only eat three.
I think Irina had at least 4 or 5!
And we also had this melon called "deenya" or
something like that, which looked like a big oval cantaloupe.
But the melon is light in color and quite sweet.
I'm thinking it's like honeydew melon, but I'm not certain
about that. Regardless,
it's one of Irina's favorites.
After breakfast we took "showers,"
which were just sponge baths, really.
After washing up, Irina spent some time taking me through her
"baby book," which I really enjoyed.
I remember thinking that this was the reason I had traveled
so far, to get a first hand glimpse into her life growing up in
Russia, so I was very glad for the personal time.
I surprised Irina with another gift that I had
packed in my bag. The
gift of the day was a leather "back-pack" purse.
The shoulder strap unzips down the middle, so when zipped
together, it's a shoulder bag, and when unzipped, it's a little backpack. I told her the style was quite fashionable these days and she
said "yes, in Russia too."
After that, we went on a little walking tour of her hometown and Irina made a point of wearing the purse I had given her. We walked through a park in the city, met her mother on the
road who was out doing an errand, and took some pictures by the
artificial lake in Mikhailovka.
I enjoyed walking around Mikhailovka and seeing
the town where Irina grew up. It
was a lot of fun taking pictures of her, holding hands, and just
enjoying her company. We
were lucky that the weather was very good the whole week with sunny
skies and temperatures in the 70's and low 80's.
I'm glad that I visited when I did, rather than during some
of the more intemperate months.
After walking around town and seeing the sights
of Mikhailovka, we were due to visit Irina's Aunt, who had invited
us over the previous day. She
lived in an apartment building that wasn't too impressive on the
outside, but again was quite nice on the inside.
Now Irina's Aunt served us soup, sandwiches, chocolate, tea, and generally had quite a bit of food on hand.
But it was getting late in the afternoon and I knew that I
had to save room for a meal that Irina's Mother was planning.
So while Irina seemed to have no concerns about packing away
a full meal, I chose to eat sparingly so that I could eat dinner
with Irina's mother. I
took a little "heat" for not eating a full meal, I must
say - it was a classic "no win" situation.
However, a little later when we sat down for
dinner, I was vindicated a bit as I was able to partake in each of
the dinner's three courses. Irina,
on the other hand, had to skip the first course (a rice soup) and
paid for it with a heated argument with her Mother.
We also talked a little about what seemed like a
"competition" between Irina's Mother and Aunt over who
would get me to eat the most (and therefore be the better hostess).
That evening, Irina and I looked through more
of her pictures (she's quite the photo model and has books and books
of pictures). It seems
like a recreational activity with her family, to dress up and pose
On Friday, we had originally planned to catch
an early bus back to Volgograd, but there were not enough seats for
Irina, Nelly, and me. So
we took an afternoon bus for the three-hour ride back to Volgograd.
Before leaving, Irina practically ransacked the place for
food. Her final year at
the President's Academy would start in just a few days, so she
wanted to take back everything she could lay her hands on.
She even scoured their garden for anything she could take
back to Volgograd with her. I
teased her that her Mother would think that her home had been
Irina's Mom came with a friend from work (who
had a car) to take us to the bus station and see us off.
I thanked her Mom for her hospitality and she made me promise
to send copies of the picture I had taken.
The bus was honking at us so the farewells were cut a bit
The bus was quite hot inside even though the
air temperature was quite mild.
I asked Irina what she did when the weather was hotter, but
she replied only that she didn't want to think about it.
On the bus ride back, Irina loaned me her CD player so that I
could listen to some music that she liked.
She and Nelly used the translator to quiz each other on their
English vocabulary. I
helped out a little here and there with pronunciation, which made me
feel better than it should have I suppose - to finally be able to
contribute something that I knew. We stopped once at a small roadside market, but were soon
back on our way. I
noticed a couple of other buses broken down along the way and
mentioned to Irina that it seemed that bus drivers also had to be
mechanics, to which she agreed.
Luckily, we returned to Volgograd without incident.
As we approached the town, Irina used her cell phone to
schedule a taxi to take me back to the hotel, and then to take Nelly
and finally Irina home. Irina
and I made plans to go out to dinner together, and then to go
bowling again since we both enjoyed that a lot the first time.
However, this time I wanted it to be just the two of us - not
that I had anything against Nelly, but I felt that Irina and I
needed to have some time together by ourselves.
After cleaning up a bit, Irina met me at the
hotel and we took a taxi to a pizza restaurant.
I was really looking forward to having some pizza, which, as
you know, is my favorite. But
Irina was quite tired and there would have been quite a wait at the
pizza restaurant, so we ended up going to another place for dinner.
Again she helped me order something to eat, and while we were
waiting for the food to arrive, I presented her with the day's
present. She had wanted
some CD's by Chris Rhea and "The Best of Sade," which I
learned she had had on cassette, but had loaned it to a friend and
never got it back. She
was very, very happy to get the CD's. I also gave her an Eva Cassidy CD, whose voice I just love.
And lastly, I had made her a compilation CD of various
pop/rock songs that I like. I
was happy to "turn the tables" on her and introduce her to
some artists that she didn't know after so much teasing about me not
knowing European music. While
pleased with the presents, she was very tired, as I mentioned, and
not too talkative. Which
was really a shame because I was in a talkative mood - a rarity for me as I am usually the quiet one.
After dinner we decided to call it an early night and meet
again the next day - our last day together.
So on Saturday we met for lunch, as Irina likes
to sleep in. I was up a
little earlier and did most of my packing, which turned out to be a
good thing, as Irina would keep me out dancing late that night!
But first Irina met me at the hotel, looking really nice in a
light blue summer dress. We
went to have lunch at the other major hotel in Volgograd, which I
must say, was a little nicer than the Intourist, where I was
staying. After lunch we
walked around the city a little, and then headed over to the
Planetarium, which was quite interesting, even though I couldn't
follow the guided tour in Russian.
Luckily, Irina provided some translation.
However, she seemed a bit bored; she had been there before.
After the Planetarium, we walked through a
section of town where various artworks were outside on display.
We enjoyed looking at all of these things and after some
time, sat down in the park to have a little bit more of a serious conversation. It was
here that I wanted to talk about our relationship, and say an early
"goodbye" so we wouldn't have to do it at the airport the
next morning. Despite
this long description of my trip, I haven't gone into all of the ups
and downs of our time together.
But here I told her that I thought she was really a wonderful
girl. She didn't know
the word "wonderful," but she knew "terrific."
I told her that she was the kind of girl that I would always
be proud of. But I also
told her that I thought she had a really nice life here in Volgograd,
that I saw that she was really close to her family and friends, and
honestly I wondered if I, or any man for that matter, would be able
to take her away from all of that.
Of course she understood what I was talking about.
She told me that I was what she had expected, and that she
always felt good with me.
I think the reality of me actually being there,
and being serious about us was a little much for her to take. In some sense I think it's lucky that she's committed to
staying in Volgograd for one more academic year.
It will be an important transition year for her (as it would
be for anyone). I hope
that in this time she is able to decide what she wants for her
future. I told her that after a fairly intense week together, that we
should take some time to think about what we might want next.
If we do meet again, I would prefer to do so
outside of Russia. While
it was good for me to see her in her "natural
environment," so to speak, she did not see me in mine.
I'm an independent person normally, but I couldn't be
independent with her in Russia.
I had to rely on her for most everything, which I really
didn't like at all - even though she took good care of me.
At last, it was time for the final present.
A gold locket, inside of which I had placed small pictures of
each of us. She seemed
surprised, even a little stunned.
She objected that the present was too expensive.
But I told her that I wanted her to have it. So she accepted it and asked me to help her put it on.
Of course I had to take a picture of her wearing it.
(And yes, her eyes really are that green.)
After this conversation and our early
"goodbyes," things seemed to go really well between us.
We decided to go bowling that evening since we didn't get the
chance the previous night. But
first we went home to freshen up and change for our last night
together. We went to a restaurant down by the Volga River, next to where we had been our first day together.
We had a nice talk during dinner.
We shared several toasts - her with wine and me with fruit
juice. I seemed to
surprise her when I proposed something having to do with
"love," for the third toast.
"Oh, you know this custom?" she asked.
"Yes, I learned."
After dinner, it was our plan to go bowling,
but there was about a 2-hour wait, so it was off to the dance floor
for us. After a little
dancing, Irina wanted to play pool in the poolroom upstairs from the
dance floor. So we played a game of pool.
Now I'm about as good at pool as I am at bowling, which is
terrible, but regardless I still wanted to break. She insisted on
breaking though, and is really cute so that was that.
After she broke, I managed a few lucky shots and despite some
"do overs" on her part, managed to win the game.
After another little while, it was finally our time for
bowling. We had a lot of fun again, but I managed to pull one of the
muscles I don't normally use, and really could not get down as low as I needed to. (She
never believed me though.) Despite
my "injury," I did manage to squeak out the first couple
of games, but she got a few strikes during the third games and beat
me pretty easily so she was happy about that.
It was starting to get pretty late at this
point, but Irina wanted to do some more dancing.
The club was playing a lot of Russian folk music apparently,
updated with a dance beat of course, and Irina couldn't resist.
But I enjoyed myself. She
was a good dance partner and was having a lot of fun. Finally we called it a night and shared a taxi back to the
hotel where we said our goodbyes, and shared a brief kiss. I called before leaving for the airport the next morning to
say what a great girl she is, and that I look forward to seeing her
So that's the story of my Russian vacation.
It certainly had its ups and downs.
I was hoping that the whole week would have been more like
the last day or two. But
it takes time to get to know one another.
Letter writing is really no substitute for spending time
With all of that, I have to say that I'm
undecided about our relationship.
On one hand, I think Irina would make a good partner.
On the other hand, it's hard to imagine her giving up the
only life she ever knew. She
scoffed at the idea that her life in Volgograd is a good one, but it
certainly seems that way to me.
Nonetheless, I plan to continue corresponding with her.
Perhaps we'll meet again.
If we do, I think I'd like us to meet in "neutral
territory" such as France or Italy, where we can struggle with the
language together, instead of me relying completely on her for
So you see that when I say my trip was
successful, it was successful in the sense of meeting Irina in
person, getting to know her better, her city, family, and even one
of her friends. I
certainly know more about the things she likes and doesn't like than
I could have learned from only letters.
If you've managed to read this far hoping for a
fairy tale or Hollywood ending, I'm sorry to disappoint you. However things turn out, I know you will wish us well. I hope
you enjoyed my story. Thanks
to all of you for your interest.
you have a story to tell? We want to hear from you!
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