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Defusing Family Anger:
3 Keys to Reducing Conflict
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Dr. Tony Fiore
Jim is a mild-mannered retired real estate broker who unfortunately suffered from a recent diagnosis of cancer. As a result, like many ill people, he just wanted peace in his remaining years, a goal that was increasingly eluding him as family members escalated their conflict with each other.
This family was clearly suffering from a lack of empathy. Empathy requires understanding the perspective of others and being able to see things from the values and belief systems of other family members. However, Esther was unable to comprehend and accept that she was putting Jim in an impossible position of constantly having to choose between his love for her and his love for his adult children. The children, on the other hand, saw Esther as a young 'gold-digger' who was ultimately going to take what they considered their inheritance. They were unable to see that Esther truly loved her older husband or that Jim had a basic right to do with his money as he wished including spending it in ways they might consider foolish.
Lack of empathy leads to all kinds of problems in families. It is a sign that family members are only thinking of themselves and are only concerned with their own ideas and feelings 'not others.' Relatives lacking empathy push only their own issues while not seeing or caring about the needs of others. While lack of empathy can lead to years of family conflict, arguing and bickering, the good news is that you can increase your empathy by practicing the following three basic skills:
Key #1. Learn to listen. Empathic listening goes further than ordinary listening. It is listening while you suspend your normal 'filters' that distort what you hear. It is listening without judgment understanding, rather than defending or attacking. The first step was for Esther and her husband's children to sit down and
'hear each other out' in the presence of a trusted family friend who served as a mediator. While they were still at odds with each other at this point, at least they had made a start in better understanding. Key #2. Eliminate barriers to effectible communication. This involves becoming mindful of the message conveyed by the phrases you use as well as your tone of voice, facial expressions, and your posture or stance. Esther, for example, frequently 'chopped the air' with her hands when discussing things with family members which instantly put the relatives on the defensive and made them not trust her. The children's communications style made Esther dig her heels in deeper when they browbeat her with phrases like
'if you don't like it, then...' and they rarely made eye contact with her. A simple way to improve remove barriers is to picture yourself on a video cam hanging form a corner of the room.
Ask yourself, what am I communicating as seen or heard on the video cam? Key #3. Practice Acceptance. Acceptance is the ability to see that others have a right to their feelings and viewpoints. The first step to acceptance is when you learn to accept an 'unchangeable reality' by changing your feelings about it. For example; "Maybe Esther does have a financial interest in Father, but she takes good care of him, and they love each other ...so who am I to say that the 'trade-off' isn't appropriate?" As you develop empathy, you will find it increasingly difficult to remain angry.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dr. Tony Fiore is a So. California licensed psychologist, and anger management trainer. His company, The Anger Coach, provides anger and stress management programs, training and products to individuals, couples, and the workplace. Sign up for his free monthly newsletter 'Taming The Anger Bee' at http://www.angercoach.com and receive two bonus reports. Do you
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