SHOOTING THE BULL:
Slaying Dragons and Finding Love
ELENA, a trendsetter, superstar, and
I always wondered what a lifetime membership on Elena's Models, the premier dating site on the Internet, would be like, so I decided to treat myself to one. I figured that if I could not find a wife in that span, then something was wrong, and I should become a monk.
The problem was that I refuse to pay retail for anything. In fact, I hate to fork out money,
period, so I wear secondhand clothes and scrounge around for leftovers. I may not be a fashion plate or exude hygiene, but I will die with plenty of money in my pocket, which is important, as I want to have a decent funeral.
I undertook a series of machinations to achieve my goal, and, as if by sortilege, on the morning of 7-12-05, I arose and discovered that I had hit paydirt. The amazing part is that my dignity and probity were still intact and that I had shed only a modicum of blood, most of which was not my own. I noticed, however, that I walk with a slight limp these days, but at least I do not have to gum my food or use a catheter for urination.
The arrangement that I struck was quite equitable: Elena Petrova, the owner of the aforementioned computer agency for the lovelorn, made a list of a few odd jobs that needed to be taken care of, and evidently, I was the right man to do them. How long can re-roofing her house and hanging new rain gutters take? Besides, Australia, where she resides, is idyllic this time of year, although I will not be doing much sightseeing.
I admit that I needed a subscription to the relationship paradise in cyber space because I was tired of being alone, but I had other motivations. I was really down in the mouth as a result of the events that were happening in the world at the beginning of July, under the guise of
brotherhood. Socialistic stupidity would be a better title, but I leave the labels to the liberals, who are too busy categorizing people and scheming to prevent Europeans from getting a break in
any undertaking to appreciate the beauty of life. Radicals are known, though, for having a perverted sense of humor: Kim Jong Il of North Korea, for instance, is a regular
riot at revivals.
The temerity of another concert being held to encourage the European countries, Canada, Australia, and the United States (US) to forgive the huge debts that the African nations owe the world was foremost in making me get my hackles up. At this same time, I also was worried sick about the bombing of the subway in London, England. Fortunately, though, real tragedy was averted on that morning, July 7: the Internet was not the least bit disturbed that day.
The majority of the people in the US today are in the fast lane on the highway to hell. The rest of them are on the road to oblivion.
Now that you have been apprised of the atrocities that I was up against daily, you understand my plight and motivation. You may not sympathize with me, but you
I realized that to be successful in this endeavor, I needed a photo, preferably one that made me look gainly. I must play the game by the rules, although I could always modify them later, at my discretion, as all Italians do; I undoubtedly would get better results that way.
I contacted my buddy, which was not too difficult, as he lives next door to me. He
decided to use his wife's new digital camera to full advantage and to take a photo of the 2 of us outdoors, for old times' sake. He mounted the camera on my 6 foot high block wall, set the timer, and jumped backwards, standing abreast of me. The camera went off all right, but only
after it fell from its perch and crashed into a stone quarry. My friend's marriage is on the rocks now, too.
To activate my membership, I had to memorize the Elena's Models' jingle, which is reprinted below, attest to uphold it to the letter, and then recite it in the altogether. First I had to knock one out, though. Elena thinks of everything.
ELENA'S MODELS -- WHERE THE ELITE MEET THEIR SWEET
Upscale men from every walk of life, including some who are past their prime,
Join Elena's Models to find a loving wife, which is a judicious use of money and time.
They know that they are in the right place to correspond with oodles of top-drawer ladies,
As opposed to flashes in the pan from outer space or overbearing zombies for Hades.
Every woman on Elena's Models is fair of face, and is required to be fully fit.
Her profile reflects charm and grace and is replete with warmth and wit.
The females place their ads and do their part with equanimity, elegance, and an open mind.
They offer support and a golden heart which nowadays are virtually impossible to find.
Other systems will come and go, but Elena's Models is guaranteed to steal the show.
I was pleased with my ditty and immediately sent a mass mailing to 10 women who were on my list. I got no reply, but instead of panicking, I decided to give them a few minutes to read the letter. With the time differential between the US and Eastern Europe, they were probably asleep right then anyway. To be on the safe side, I omitted the elegy from future missives, a gesture that did wonders for my popularity.
I finally bit the bullet and posted the aforementioned photo, albeit slightly retouched. As I am a man of action, I felt good about taking control of my life. I had no confidence about meeting a woman who would
love me, mind you, but I was happy to be actually doing something for a change.
The ladies who I was dealing with were winners in every sense of the word. Contrast them with the
losers in the US who are forced to advertise on the Internet and in underground newspapers, and you will soon understand the axiom that dogs are a man's best friend.
In recent years, the US has had 1 first lady, Betty Ford, who was an alcoholic and drug addict, yet comported herself decorously at all times; and another, Hillary Clinton, who, although purportedly sober, behaved, in and out of the White House, as if she were a crackhead--a
moderate one, though. Now you know why I admire Slavic women and seek relationships with them.
I obviously reached a lull in my dating activities, so I decided to outline the process of inditement. First I get an idea, and then I sit down. Sometimes the order is reversed.
I will not alter my writing style, even if people carp about it for months on end. For the right of amount of money, though, I
will change my name.
I found 15 great women on July 14 and sent them messages. Boy, was I in Valhalla! I started to light a cigarette with a 5 dollar bill, which
really would have put me there, but I suddenly remembered that I do not smoke.
Everybody I ever met wants to read the famous introductory letter that I use to entice
the babes, but I will not part with it for love or money.
* I have provided a precis to appease you; if you want more, you know what to do and where to reach me. Make sure that you send cash, as it reduces my bookkeeping.
*Come on! You know me better than that.
"Greetings ----, (I leave this part blank and fill in the appropriate name later. What an idea!)"
With a soupcon of imagination, you can complete the rest of the text. I hope that I am not overestimating your abilities.
I did not use the computer again until July 19. Even Italian aristocrats have to mow the lawn and trim the trees now and then.
Around this time I considered the idea of starting a web log. I did not bother telling Elena of my reverie, though, because I was pretty sure what her answer would be. Who has the discipline to write every day anyway? To the point, who would read such half-baked musings? Until someone gives an award, with a generous stipend, for the "Blog of the Year," I will stick to sardonic novels. I have my pride.
On Monday, July 25, a woman who I had sent a letter to on 7-14 asked for my resume. I hastily compiled one and sent it to her; the next day, her reply was "You are a nice man. Someday you will find your true love." Maybe so, but when?
I went immediately to Elena's Models and fell head over heels in love with Lena from Ukraine. Her photo was the best that I had seen in a month of Sundays. Everywhere I went that day, birds sang, "Lena," the flowers resembled Lena, and the sidewalk, particularly the crack, reminded me of Lena. Either I was hallucinating very badly or I was smitten. Now my goal became to write a letter to Lena.
I trust that now you fathom how serious finding a wife was to me. On July 30 I walked downstairs to turn on the computer and begin my quest anew, but I realized that it was the 23rd anniversary of my last pimple. Therefore, I took the day off to celebrate.
On August 1 I went immediately to Elena's Models. I saw 5 foxes and sent e-mails to
them. I noticed that the women have peculiar surnames, but I did not hold it against
them: I am as benevolent as Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe.
* I saw a Nikitinia, who
obviously loves to smoke, a Mochalova, who is a coffee freak, and a Kokalova, who is a cokehead. I am still waiting for a
*I actually am more kindhearted than he is, but only by a little bit. I do not let the secret get out, though, because my image would be ruined.
I sent 5 letters and I personally thanked all of my teachers that I was able to write.* I was also glad that they showed me right from wrong as they were padding their hours cleaning erasers, sharpening pencils, and making papier-mâché dinosaurs while my exams sat in a drawer ungraded. I love them nonetheless.
*My mom taught me to read and write well before I started kindergarten at the age of 4. When I got to school, my teachers instructed me on the fine points of how to take a nap.
I was dedicated to ending my loneliness and changing my life for the better, as you can tell. I wrote this story about my experiences as if there were no tomorrow. If the Jacobins ever recapture the House, Senate, and Presidency in the US, then that is exactly what the situation will be.
Elena's Models is easy to navigate and fun to use. The customer service staff is nonpareil. The most difficult time that I had was on the morning of January 10, when my membership expired and I could no longer exchange e-mail with new women. You could say that I am the sentimental type.
All told, I sent letters to 234 foxes and 1 woman who was on the plain side. Out of those 235 ladies, 42 said yes to my introductory letter and wrote to me, 33 rejected me out of hand, and 160 never replied. Three dolls responded to my ad, but I immediately gave them the air; they were great women, but I was a little uncomfortable at being contacted first. I guess I am a bit of a control freak.
No woman cadged me for money in my 6 months on Elena's Models. I had the time of my life during that interval. The second point follows from the first. The icing on the cake, though, was that no one asked me if I wear glasses.
I still correspond with 1 special lady. By June, when we meet, I will know whether we are compatible. By March of next year, I will know whether I am a father. Nobody will ever accuse me of being homosexual.
You can call my girlfriend the new Lisa, if you wish. Her name, however, happens to be Maria.
Maria asked if she will become famous as a result of her association with me. I told her straight from the shoulder that
I am lucky to have found her, not vice versa. She accepted my explanation.
Feel free to implement all the tidbits that I imparted herein. I have given ample advice to assist you in your endeavor, whatever that may be. If you fail for any reason, I am indemnified, so do not bother trying to sue me.
On April 1 you probably thought that I would tell you that 4 women arrived in LA to be my girlfriend. In reality, only 3 ladies did; the fourth came to change my sheets.
Now that you have read the parergon to my adventures on Elena's Models, do you wish to buy the 156 page abridged diary, which, though much tamer than the 205 page original satire, is still so controversial that it is destined to get me drummed out of the smart set? Do you yearn to learn how I found the love of my life, lost her, located another, got dumped, and then did it again? Hmm. You had better think twice about those answers,
cowboy. In case you forgot, I am Italian, so let me say that I am
requesting that you get hold of the book at any price. Of course, the treatise is not published anywhere, so that may be a tad difficult.
Speaking of superb tracts, you would benefit greatly from reading How to Find and Marry a Girl Like Me
by Elena Petrova. I suggest that you procure a copy soon, before your life is irreparably damaged, your mother disowns you, and your chances of success at international love are nil. I should have purchased that stellar instruction manual
before I started my labor of love, but I am above second-guessing myself.
You do not have that privilege.
My life is a veritable picnic now. I go around crooning Hail the Mighty
Dandelion* at the top of my lungs all day. While you are standing there gawping at my luster, join me in a chorus of that timeless standard, then make yourself useful and throw me a brick, but do not aim it at my head. I want to get this fireplace finished before winter, so that Elena and her family will be nice and warm. Then I will start insulating her attic. A deal is a deal.
*A song that I penned which has become the unofficial anthem of West Hills, California. I cannot live off the royalties, however.
Dawk Ziti, Ph.D., is a polymath emeritus whose chrestomathy is banned in 47 countries. His congeners are few and far between, especially in the US, which is why he has made Elena's Models his second
Other articles of Dawk Ziti:
THE GOLDEN RULE AND OTHER
BALDERDASH - A Compendium of Comportment for Courting an Angel - a
VERY funny, non-conventional, serendipitous guide to meeting, dating and
courting Russian women - this will have you laughing out loud and
provide you with some invaluable advice you should never follow. By
famous Dawk Ziti, PhD: "Do your ex-girlfriend and her
cackling pals resemble the witches on Walpurgis Night? Are you tired
of having to kiss someone's plump rump all day only to find, to your
chagrin, that her bedroom door has a sturdy deadbolt and she sleeps
like a lamb? Throw away your handcuffs and listen to one who
TONGUE IN CHEEK: The Dirty
Lowdown on International Dating - by Dawk Ziti: "One
day, Lisa and I were driving around, and she said, "I would very
much like to get married." I did not stop to ask her whom she had
in mind; instead, I zoomed into a church, perhaps a little too fast,
as I barreled past the parvis, plowed through the ceiling-to-floor
stained-glass window, and crashed into the first few rows of
have an article we could publish? We want to hear from you!
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THE FOUR STAGES OF FINDING A
MATE - by Melvin Durai - A very amusing analogy
of the hideous yet wonderful process of finding a partner. Searching
for a mate is just the first stage, according to Durai. ' Playing "hard to get" seems like a good
strategy, even if no one is trying to get you. Everyone seems available, and if they're not, just wait a minute or
Why Look for a Wife in Russia?
By Clinton Carey: "One day, over a beer with my
brother, he suggested to me that I place an ad on the Internet with a
matchmaking agency. I laughed, and dismissed the idea. As the weeks went
on, I thought to myself, "Why not? I travel a lot. I don't have
time to meet women normally, and I definitely don't like the bar scene
with its' head games and lack of quality in both men and women. So, I
placed an ad..."
Myths and Reality
There is too much prejudice towards
"Russian brides" - Russian women seeking men for marriage, both positive and negative. I call this
prejudice "myths", and consider them one by one.
Why Russian Women?
you decided to find yourself a Russian wife, you would be inundated with
questions of the type "Why Russian Women?" from everybody you
cared to share your idea with. Surprisingly, every Russian woman you are
writing to will ask the same question: "Why do you want to find a wife
in Russia?" After a while, you might start questioning your own sanity
in doing the thing which everybody, including your dates in this Internet
rendezvous, consider strange enough to request explanations. Here you will
find some ready-to-use answers for your family, friends and Russian women
you are writing to.
Russian women secrets
- Do's and don'ts in your relationship with a Russian lady.
Universal Crib On Finding A Russian Wife
- 101 tips for men seeking a young, beautiful Russian bride: the
most compressed, step-by-step guidance on finding, courting and
marrying a Russian woman.
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