Can You be an Optimistic Realist?

By Susan Dunn, MA, Life Coach


One question you might have when you read this title is,  "Why I want to be an optimist?" Or, even, "How could I be  optimistic with life the way it is?" or "Who could be an optimist in today's world? And "today's world" may mean to  you that office you work in that's so hopelessly  understaffed and disorganized, or your inept boss, or  terrorism, starvation and violence in the world, your personal inadequacies for facing your personal challenges,  the lack of help around the house, your hyper 2 year old  twin boys, spending your days reeling among the emotional  states of your teenagers, your midlife-crisis spouse, and  your aging mother, or any of the above.   I was reminded of this dilemma when I was cornered the other  morning by a young woman who needed to get in my face about  the fact that her husband had gotten in her face that  morning about the "idiocy" of watching the Prince Charles  thing when there were more important things going on in the   world. 

By the end of his tirade he had listed terrorism,  cancer, the  national budget crisis, and the legal system as  things more worthy of our  attention that were, at the same  time, hopelessly screwed up. By the end of her tirade, her   husband's "pessimistic attitude" had been added to the list,  as having "ruined" her day. And, had I allowed it, I  could've added to the list that her retelling of the war  story had "ruined" mine.     

Let's face it: it's easier to be cynical. It's also more  realistic to be cynical. If you're the kind of person who has a need to be right, betting that the work project will  be screwed up, that the marriage will never last, and that  Bush will make another decision that will fail to make the world perfect are surer bets than the opposite.   And so, if you're negative and pessimistic, you'll more  often be right. But look at what else you'll get: you'll  attract to yourself people who feel the same way and will  join you in a negative  downward spiral; you'll be quick to  blame anything but yourself, leaving yourself feeling   hopeless and helpless as well as angry; you'll waste a lot  of time be a boring the obvious; and you'll also stress  yourself and your immune system. Negative thinking leads to  negative emotions which bring on physiological reactions  which can damage your health in the short-term and in the  long-term.  

Being optimistic doesn't mean not being realistic. It means  making choices that influence outcomes, because they can  also be self-fulfilling. If you're sure your secretary is  going to fail you again, she will. We are all influenced by  the energy around us, and who can function when someone is hovering around them who thinks she or he is "an idiot"?  Also, if you're determined she will fail you, you must make  that happen to defend your ego, and so what else can you think when it's over? She failed you.    Realism would say - if you truly hired the wrong person,  don't be a victim. 

Take care of the problem. If you hired  a person who, like everyone else, has good days and bad,  works in an imperfect system, has to try and read your mind  and accommodate to your admittedly difficult disposition at  times, and is over-worked, don't play the victim - look at  the system and see  what you can do to make things work  better, assuming (optimistically) that this is possible,  i.e., things will never be perfect, but they can generally  be improved upon, and YOU are the one to do it. You could  start, in that instance, with your own attitude and  expectations.

In fact, if you want to make the world a better place, start  with your secretary's "world." Get it? Pragmatically  speaking - that is, if you want to function in the real world - an optimistic view works better. It gives you the  energy to make things happen, because it gives you positive emotional energy. 

Functionally-speaking, it is wiser to be  optimistic. Optimism is a tool, therefore. If you can still   that voice in your head that says everything stinks, you can  begin to see what you can do about things as they are,  some   of which, yes, "stink," but not all. If you're plagued by the  suffering of terrorism and tsunamis, for instance, set aside  a time to figure out what  YOU can do about them. You will  quickly realize the dilemma of world leaders who actually   have to do this on a grand scale; but you will also find  small things you can do in your own world to address these   ills. 

Call your local Red Cross. They've been waiting for your   call; because, contrary to what the pessimist thinks, you see,  there are many people who care about the suffering in the  world and are doing something about it rather than   complaining.


IN THE MEANTIME, keep your own life going in a positive  direction, with optimism. If you're determined that you can't be happy until all the ills of the world have been  addressed, you'll be a long time waiting. You will also  fail to  address what you can address, because of lamenting  over larger things which basically are beyond your control.  

 If you want to turn around your attitude, turn your face in  another direction. To focus on what's right about things   doesn't mean you don't KNOW what things are wrong, or how  wrong they are. It means you're making a choice about your  own portion of the world, your responsibility in it, and  your outlook.   

Does it help "the world" if you go on a tirade first thing   in the morning and dump all your  frustration on your spouse? Of course not. Remember you and your spouse are also a part   of "the world." From an objective position, the young man  mentioned above has a good job, a nice home, plenty of food,    clothing and necessities, and a lovely wife who was  cheerful, lovely, and dressed to go to her job for the day.   That's a scene half the people in this will never have.  

Optimism means, in the words of Faulkner, not "slaying the  real for the unreal." The moment this young man had was  real, and it was good. Then he got into his own head and dragged up all the reasons he could think of to be unhappy;  reasons which exist and are available to all of us, but so  is the contentment of the immediate reality. It's almost  like he takes pride in being able to figure out there are   ills in the world, as if he were only one who knew this and   were concerned about it.     

 For an example of what your self-talk does to you, consider   this scenario. Let's say Fred is feeling low. He thinks   his life is impossible; it contains the usual array of hard   work, too much stress, arguments with his wife and kids, a   puppy that won't get  house-broken, and a home plumbing   system that keeps backing up. However, his job, wife and  kids are all within "the normal range." He walks outside  and has a chat with his neighbor. The neighbor has a 23  year old son who is schizophrenic and lives with him and his  wife. They are retired, living on a limited income, and   suffering health problems. Most of us would say, "There but  for the grace of God go I," and go back inside with a prayer for the neighbor, but a sense of gratitude for our own set  of problems, which is much smaller and somehow seems, now, more manageable. 

Fred, the pessimist, however, goes back inside feeling lower than ever, having decided that if the  world is that awful, why try at all.    Pessimism has its roots in our beliefs, which feed into our  expectations. If a perfect world is one of your beliefs, or   the feeling that you can't be happy until you live in a   perfect world, why not take it out and have another look.   Write down your core beliefs and then go over them with optimism and pessimism in mind.

Now, in Spanish there are two "to be" verbs. One, ser,  means a permanent state, such as, I am a woman. Soy mujer.  The other is for temporary states, such as, I am furious.  Estoy enojada. English doesn't make this distinction by means of different verbs, but I will close this using "be"   in the 'state' sense, not 'trait' sense: You can be  pessimistic [trait] and still survive. We all know people   who are and do. But it may be necessary to be optimistic  [state] if you want to thrive. 

Learn about optimism and   have  it available. Be able to change your self-talk and  attitude. This  flexibility will develop your emotional  intelligence, and in the long run, the  happiness you save  may be your own.      

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Susan Dunn, MA, Life & EQ Coach

Contact Details:
http://www.susandunn.cc 
Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc

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