This eBook May Bring You the Man of
By Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Eager to learn more about this
wonderful ebook? I do have an ebook that demystifies midlife
dating for women, but first, a little story.
When I was finishing my college degree and doing the required teaching
internship at the local high school, I worked with a special man named
Mr. Sletten. Mr. Sletten taught English: freshman English,
sophomore English, junior English, a seniors honors' class, and then
the "other" senior English class. It had a euphemistic
name I don't recall, but when I reviewed their curriculum for the
semester, I knew I was in for something different. While I
would be teaching the honors' English class "MacBeth" and
Satire, the agenda for this "other" class included the Sears
In this rural Minnesota high school, Mr. Sletten, who was the only
teacher there with a master's degree, had a special mission.
This "other" class, he said, was the one he was most excited
about. "This will be their last formal
education," he told me. "They will return to the
family farm, or maybe work on an assembly line in the city, or join
the military. They will also be prey to every con-artist. That's
why we read the Sears catalogue."
"Oh," I said. And when I met the class for the first
time, my low level of enthusiasm sunk even further. There was
the captain of the football team, who had been passed through high
school for the sake of the state championship, who sat in the back of
the room chewing gum, holding court, and daring me to wrest control of
the class from him. The girl next to him spent most of the hour
with moony eyes looking at her engagement ring. 17 years old and
engaged?? I was attending a college that didn't allow married
I tried to talk about Vietnam. The Vietnam I knew from the college
campus via the demonstrations, and learned that they, and their
parents, were all for it.
I asked them what they liked to read, and they replied,
"Nothing," or "comic books," or "I
With our different backgrounds, I didn't see how I could relate to
these kids. Mr. Sletten led the way. "You have an
engagement ring on your finger," he said, "and so does
Pearl. What do you think she thinks about all day long?
What are her dreams? Ask her to write about it."
What Mr. Sletten was doing, was teaching emotional intelligence.
There was no name for this back then; in fact it's only become part of
our language in the past 10 years or so. He was teaching it to
these students who were not on
any academic track, and to me, who was on a highly academic track; and
both parties were in need of it.
What is emotional intelligence? There are various definitions -
common sense, understanding emotions in yourself and others and
managing them to make good decisions, factors besides cognitive
intelligence that determine your ability to succeed in life . and one
I often use: the interface between thinking and emotions.
Daniel Goleman, who popularized the concept of EQ, wrote: "We
have gone too far in emphasizing the value and import of the purely
rational. For better or for worse, intelligence can come to
nothing when the emotions hold sway." And this brings us
back to the title of this article.
Pearl and I were both at-risk for misunderstanding that quote, and the
sales-pitch title of this article.
Goleman has another well-known quote that's often misunderstood.
In fact, it's the subtitle of his book, "Emotional Intelligence:
Why It Can Matter More Than IQ."
Using your EQ means keeping your fantasies (emotions) at bay, and
paying attention to the grammar.
"Can" and "may" are putative words (possiblities)
not absolutes, not guarantees. EQ CAN matter more than IQ, but
IQ CAN also matter more than EQ. (We like the two combined, and
we like that while IQ can't be changed much, EQ can always be
developed.) Emotions not held at bay CAN negate your cognitive
intelligence. Then again, when not held at
bay, they CAN impel you to super-human acts. Goleman did
not claim it DOES matter more.
Reading this ebook MAY bring you the man of your dreams, but so MAY
dying your hair blond, getting a better education, or dumb luck.
We know that the emotional states of fear and anger, for instance, can
shut down our ability to think and make good decisions. So
can lust. These are the states, when unmanaged that cause us to
do and say things about which we later say, "What came over
me?" or "What was I thinking?" or "That wasn't
like me," or "The devil made me do it."
Any state of great "excitement" may render our thinking
brains inoperable! That's what EQ is all about. Understanding
emotions, managing them, and making wise choices.
But strong emotions can also motivate us and enable us to do
tremendous things. Goleman relates in his book the story of the
Chaunceys, who were traveling on a train with their 11 year old
daughter who was confined to a wheelchair with cerebral palsy. When
the train crashed into a bayou, the
adoring managed to push their daughter out a window to safety before
they themselves perished.
We hear of people lifting cars up that have fallen on their loved
ones, reacting in split seconds to save their own lives, killing
beasts with their bare hands, and even what many of us do every day -
working long, hard hours at difficult jobs because we care about our
Peter Drucker, the business guru, said "We know nothing about
motivation. All we can do is write books about it."
Richard Branson, on the other hand, does understand motivation.
Branson began his entrepreneurial career at the age of 17, and now
runs the Virgin Group, an international conglomerate of companies with
more than $8 billion in sales a year.
"I always have tried to make sure I work from an environment
that's pleasant and fun," he said, in an article on FastCompany.
"If the chairman's having fun, it's easier for everyone else .
and if it's fun, you're going to keep going
until you drop."
Later he added, "Lavish praise on people and people will
flourish; criticize people and they'll shrivel up."
What's hard about those principals? Sound like common sense?
Then why are those things so rare in companies - fun, and praise?
And why are we foggy about motivation?
Studies over the years have shown what few managers instigate in the
workplace: that the number one thing employees care about is
something called "being appreciated." It matters
in most cases more than the title, more than the money, and more than
Whoever it was who said there's nothing common about common sense, was
right on target. Does emotional intelligence matter more than
IQ? If you had to choose one or the other, which would you
choose? Those are academic questions. The fact is that you
have the IQ you were born with. The EQ you
have is what you've decided it will be, and it can be increased at any
time. Developing it will benefit you. Look at it this way.
If you were choosing between two candidates with relatively equal
experience, training, and
education, which one would you choose? Maybe like Branson, the
one who'd be the most fun to work with? (Certainly the one who
could get along the best in today's information/team work age.)
Mr. Sletten was a man ahead of his time He incorporated
emotional intelligence into the high school curriculum because he knew
it was needed. Have you incorporated it into your personal
P.S., remember to use your noggin when reading ads. Don't let
your fears and fantasies make you prey to every con-artist.
We all need to know how to read those Sears catalogues.
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc
. Susan offers individual coaching, EQ culture programs for
businesses, Internet courses and ebooks around emotional intelligence
for your personal and professional success. She also trains and
certifies EQ coaches.
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Top 10 Reasons to Postpone Sex -
by Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach - “Regardless
of what you think (intellectually), sex has powerful consequences and
Here are the top ten reasons to postpone physical intimacy”.
DOs and DON'Ts for Travel in Russia
- By Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach
– When travelling, avoid feeling like a lost puppy in Chinatown…or
in Russia. Read on these reminders for your travel to Russia.
from the Russians How to Make Your House Cozy and Warm for the Winter
- By Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach – “Keep the home fires
burning”. Read these tips to prepare your house for the winter -
rearrange furniture, replace accessories, throw down some rugs…a touch
or two can make a difference.
Jewish Dating: It Pays to Date
Like-Minded People - By Drew Harris - ..." find a source of like-minded people to start to get to
Wouldn't it be easier to know their respect for God and other people, values and beliefs, mirrors your own?"
Rejection - Is It Real? - By Carol Chanel
- One thing I know about rejection is that it feels real. And even though it rarely is real, it sure feels that way.
Why is it rarely real?
SHOOTING THE BULL: Slaying Dragons and Finding Love
- by Dawk Ziti, PhD. The candid and perplexed experience of Dawk Ziti in his search for a Russian bride: "I was pleased with my ditty and immediately sent a mass mailing to 10 women who were on my list. I got no reply, but instead of panicking, I decided to give them a few minutes to read the letter. With the time differential between the US and Eastern Europe, they were probably asleep right then anyway." If you aren't sure that search for a Russian bride is for you, you MUST read this to remove any doubts about dropping this idea once and forever!
Why Look for a Wife in Russia?
By Clinton Carey: "One day, over a beer with my
brother, he suggested to me that I place an ad on the Internet with a
matchmaking agency. I laughed, and dismissed the idea. As the weeks went
on, I thought to myself, "Why not? I travel a lot. I don't have
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placed an ad..."
Myths and Reality
There is too much prejudice towards
"Russian brides" - Russian women seeking men for marriage, both positive and negative. I call this
prejudice "myths", and consider them one by one.
Why Russian Women?
you decided to find yourself a Russian wife, you would be inundated with
questions of the type "Why Russian Women?" from everybody you
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you are writing to.
Russian women secrets
- Do's and don'ts in your relationship with a Russian lady.
Universal Crib On Finding A Russian Wife
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